The Republican National Convention is in full swing in Cleveland and as expected, it’s a crazy time. Melania Trump was caught copying off Michelle Obama’s notes, My Little Pony was invoked as a defense, and Third Eye Blind played an anti-concert welcoming boos. How can a lone visitor possibly survive all this chaos?
Never fear! We’re here to help you navigate these red, white, and white waters. Here are the 7 apps you need to survive RNC 2016.
1. Street Falafel
Maybe you’re at RNC 2016 on purpose. Maybe you’re there as a goof. Maybe you thought it was a national yachting-with-gun convention. Whatever the reason you’re there (and why are you there?), you’ll want a handy excuse for attending in case things go bad or you get caught on camera by Full Frontal with Samantha Bee.
The Street Falafel app is the perfect one to have launched on your phone at all times. Whenever you need an air-tight excuse as to why you’re walking the convention floor holding three Fox News keychains, you can bring up your phone, point to the restaurant locator on this app, and say “hey, I’m just looking for some falafel. Am I reading this wrong? How embarrassing!” No one will confuse someone looking for falafel for a RNC ticket holder. At least, no one there.
2. The Official RNC 2016 App
Whatever the reason you’re here, when in Rome do as the Romans do (ie. be Imperial Republican). So get the official RNC 2016 app on your phone and get to schmoozing with the aging illuminati.
With this app, you’ll see who’ll be the next to drone on about Trump, live stream Trump’s speeches (in 360 degrees no less!), map out the convention floor to find the best path to the exits, and see when the shuttle buses will arrive to finally take you back to your hotel that smells like whisky and BENGAY.
This app is huge. This is the best app. This app has the best words. Make iPhone great again. With this app.
3. Oh Crap App
If you’re, let’s say, of the majority ethnicity of your surroundings, you can ignore this app. But if you so happen to be a little different on the outside (and a lot different on the inside), it would behoove you to download and install the Oh Crap App.
No, it’s not a potty finder. Rather, it’s an app that tells you what your legal rights are in certain situations. Need to record an altercation? Oh Crap App. Need to figure out whether you need a lawyer? Oh Crap App. Sure, you can tap anyone on the shoulder at the convention and you’ll learn all about the 2nd Amendment, but what if you need to know about the other thirty-two? Oh Crap App has got you covered.
DrinkedIn helps you find or make drinks.
You’re going to need a drink.
5. Anxiety Free
Trump is the official Republican party nominee. He now leads the party of Abraham Lincoln. He is currently tied with Hillary Clinton in the polls. You ok? Your lips are turning blue. You might need to download the Anxiety Free app ASAP.
This self-hypnosis app will soothe your worries about America away with a calming voice that will convince you that everything will be just fine. Listen for just a few minutes, or for the entire duration of the RNC. Whatever length you need to convince yourself that moving to Canada isn’t realistic, but living off the grid is looking more and more appealing every inexorable new day.
6. Rep: Single Republican’s Free Dating & Community App
At this point, you’ve been through the worst. You’ve got some drinks in you. And you’ve freed yourself from the anxiety of a crumbling two-party democratic system. You’ve embraced who you now are! Look around; aren’t those Merona shirts and khakis looking pretty good right about now? These men (and women?) have a nice air about them, like they have trust funds and can take care of you in your old age. Isn’t it time you met someone nice? Someone who has a rich history you can trace back to the Mayflower?
Things are looking up! So download Rep – the Single Republican’s Free Dating & Community App and see who around you is ready to mingle… in a conservative way! Rep allows you to find, match with, and message the potential elephants in your future. This is your life now. Find your red state red mate and start thinking of settling down. Hey it’s a fact: you get more conservative as you get older. Might as well embrace it!
7. Cleveland.com: Cleveland Cavaliers News
And you know what? Cleveland isn’t a bad place to settle down with your new Republican spouse. It’s got clean air, Lake Erie is pretty nice, it’s affordable, and of course, the Cleveland Cavaliers just won the NBA championship! You’ve already jumped on the political bandwagon, why not the sports bandwagon as well?
Download the Cleveland.com: Cleveland Cavaliers News app to stay up to date on America’s greatest basketball team. Will LeBron return next season? Probably! Maybe he’s even at the RNC convention with you right now*! Stay informed of the best thing Cleveland has to offer at the moment because you’re here now, for good, and everything is starting to make so much sense.
(Editor’s note: This is literally the screenshot the Cleveland.com Cavaliers News app has gone with on iTunes as of the writing of this blog post. No joke.)
What apps will help you survive RNC 2016? Let us know!